Joke Thread

[Itsonlyagame]

Paddy and Murphy are off on holiday. Soon after the plane takes off it starts shuddering, nose dives then stabilises again.
The captain then makes an announcement.
"Ladies and gentlemen, you may have noticed something untoward happening a few seconds ago. Basically, we had a fire in number one engine and had to close it down. Please don't worry though, we can fly perfectly well on the two remaining engines but due to a loss in power our flight time will be an additional two hours.
A bit later the plane does exactly the same thing. On comes the captain again.
"Ladies and gentlemen, due to a fire in number two engine we've had to close down that one down too.
Please don't panic though, the plane can safely fly on one engine but due to the loss in power our flight time will be extended by 4 hours. .
Paddy turns to Murphy and says "####ing hell Murphy, if they have to close number three engine down we'll be up here all day"

[Itsonlyagame]

Bloke walks into a pub and sits down at the bar. He soon notices the fella next to him has a dog with him.
"Does your dog bite mate" he asks. "Not at all" says the other fella.
The bloke reaches down to stroke the dog and straight away it sinks its teeth into his hand.
"Fu€king hell mate, I thought you said your dog didn't bite !"
"It doesn't" says the other fella, "it's my mates dog, he's in the toilet"

[72bus]

did you hear about the gay whale ..... spent his days swimming around the ocean , biting the ends off submarines and sucking out all the seamen

[Itsonlyagame]

Lad goes into a chemist and asks for a box of condoms.
As the assistant is serving him she asks "would you like a bag with those"
He replies "I'm ok thanks, she's not that ugly"

[72bus]

i saw some crisps walking down the street yesterday i asked them " would u like a lift " no they said we're walkers

[loneranger]

Good lols ,il try clean me vile repertoire up and post a lol.

[Itsonlyagame]

I was on my way home last night when I saw my neighbour, whose a midget, waiting at a bus stop.
I told him to jump in and I'd drop him off but he told me to fu€k off.
"You ungrateful little €unt" I muttered to myself as I zipped up my back pack and carried on walking.

[Hubble]

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

I asked my mate what it was like living in North Korea. He said I can't complain.

[Itsonlyagame]

Think this is a Les Dawson one,

The wife and me have been together for over 30 years now and only ever had one argument.
It started the day we got married and hasn't finished yet.

[Itsonlyagame]

Why have only 50% of scousers had a shower within the last 3 years.
The other 50% weren't in prison during that time.

[72bus]

my irish mate called me told me he was dumping his new bird . she was showering and he had a peek in her wardrobe , he said i found a skimpy waitess dress , a nurses uniform , a police womans outfit , so what i said . he said " if she can't hold down a job she's no use to me "

[Itsonlyagame]

Two blokes who haven't seen each other for a while bump into each other one day.
One tells the other he doesn't look too well.
"I'm not mate, I had most of my spine and both testi€les removed recently. It's not all bad though, some of the wedding presents were great"

[Itsonlyagame]

Two mates having a beer one evening in their local.
One says to the other "so how was the holiday to Canada ?"
The other one says "great, but it got a bit hairy when me and the Mrs went for a walk in some woods. Two bleedin great bears appeared from nowhere and charged straight at us. I had a gun with me as a precaution but it only had one bullet in it"
"Sh!t, what did you do ?" asked his mate.
"I shot the mrs in the kneecap and ran like fu€k"

[Shepherds Mush]

What do you do if you come across a lion in the jungle?

Say sorry and wipe it off...

[Tim]

(German joke) Why did the woman jump off the bridge? Because she was clinically depressed and had low self esteem.