Joke Thread

[QPRDave]

Paddy and murphy are walking along the lane when paddy spots a sheep with its head stuck in some railings and its **** sticking up in the air. "Theres nothing for it" he says as he slips off his trousers and proceeds to sling one up the poor sheep.
When he's finished he turns to his mate and says "your turn Murphy"
Murphy replies " Jesus paddy, I'll never fit my head in those railings"

...

[12321]

It always feels so much better having a w**k with a dead arm, but apparently I ruined the funeral

[NW_Hoopz]

Paddy and murphy are walking along the lane when paddy spots a sheep with its head stuck in some railings and its **** sticking up in the air. "Theres nothing for it" he says as he slips off his trousers and proceeds to sling one up the poor sheep.
When he's finished he turns to his mate and says "your turn Murphy"
Murphy replies " Jesus paddy, I'll never fit my head in those railings"

...

Knew you like that one Dave !

[dsqpr]

Words with Two Meanings

Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said....I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?

He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[dsqpr]

Been watching my Dad's army DVDs and Mainwaring tells Wilson this one:

A young Australian soldier reports to his English commanding officer at the front. "Have you come here to die?", asks the officer. "No sir, I came here yester-die", replies the Australian.

[dsqpr]

The Irish Diabetic

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon. He pours from the bottle into the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" asks Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the pharmacist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

[acricketer]

I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. He went from Barking to Tooting in under an hour.

[acricketer]

What is Forest Gump's password?





















1FOREST1

[MYU]

Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said....I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?

He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Liked this one.

[MattyRangers]

Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night.

He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

[Harryboy]

My mate had a great job has a school teacher. But his eyes was bosseyed so they sacked him because he could not control his pupils

[dsqpr]

Burial Plans

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, the woman's neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

[dsqpr]

A Scottish Wedding

A wedding occurred just outside Govan in Glasgow. To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the joint and beating the living daylights out of each other. The Police get called in to break up the fight and the following week, all members of both families appear in court.

Ronny the best man stands up and says "Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened". The Judge agrees and Ronny takes the stand telling the court that it is traditional in a Govan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK". "Well", said Ronny, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs". Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "Good God, that must have really hurt!". "HURT!" Ronny replies "Broke three of my bloody fingers!"

[dsqpr]

Why women make better assassins

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.....kill her !!!"

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife!

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job." Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another, followed by screaming, crashing, and banging.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, looking dishevelled and wiping sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

[Stanley]