Joke Thread

[QPRDave]

South African police have installed state of the art technology outside the bail address of Oscar Pistorius to ensure he doesn't leave.

A cattle grid.

[acricketer]

At a job interview.

"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a **** what you think."

[MattyRangers]

"If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing.

Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish?

[NW_Hoopz]

"If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing.

Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish?

Nearly pee'd myself there young Mat-chew

well worth getting the micky ripped out of me for my obsessive campaign to get you reinstated early !

[MattyRangers]

Nearly pee'd myself there young Mat-chew

well worth getting the micky ripped out of me for my obsessive campaign to get you reinstated early !

Cheers mate appreciate the campaign btw! When ya next down at LR?

[Greg1882]

A priest is walking though a forest late at night. While in the forest he encounters a frog who is sitting on a log, crying. Being a man of God, he approaches the frog and asks him why he is crying.

The frog says to him, "I used to be an 11 year old alter boy but I was turned into a frog by a wicked witch. The only way I can become an 11 year old alter boy again is if a kind man lets me sleep in his bed for the night and kisses me goodnight."

"You could come and stay with me for the night. I'm a kind man", said the priest.

The frog agreed and they both went back to the priests house and the priest let the frog sleep in his bed and gave him a good nights kiss. The next morning, the priest awakens to find an 11 year old alter boy lying next to him in bed...

"And that your Honour, is the case for the defence"

[acricketer]

An 80 year old man knocked at the door of a brothel in London. The madame was surprised but asked what they could do for him. He said "I want Natalie". The madame replied that Natalie was the most expensive girl in the house. "How much is she?"

"She's £1000 a night" "I'll take her!" says the old man, and off he goes upstairs.

The next night there is a knock on the door and it's the old man again. "I want Natalie" he says. The madame hides a smile as he climbs the stairs wondering where he gets the energy.

The same thing happens on the third evening in a row and as Natalie is dressing she's suddenly curious about the old fella and asks him where he's from.

"I'm from Hungary" he says. "That's amazing," says Natalie, "so am I. I've got a sister still living in Hungary"

" I know," he says, " she gave me £3000 to give to you!"

[MattyRangers]

Paddy pulls up at a red light beside a gorgeous young woman, smiles at her and lowers his window.

The woman smiles back and also lowers her window.

"Ah," says Paddy, "so you farted too?"

EDIT: That one above this by acricketer is brilliant

[MattyRangers]

My wife called me today and said that she'd just found a positive pregnancy test in our daughter's bedroom.

"You must be joking?" I said.

"I'm deadly serious," she replied, "I confronted her about it and she broke down in tears and screamed that it was yours."

"How the fark could it be mine?" I said, "Men can't get pregnant."


I got into a black taxi in Birmingham last weekend and told the driver that I was going to London.

He said, "That's going to be about £400." which I thought was quite reasonable, until I saw a sign in the back saying 'I Will Charge You £60 If You're Sick In The Back!'

So I shoved my fingers down my throat.

[MattyRangers]

I went on a date with a girl with a stutter.

The waiter asked what she would like to order.

She said, "N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n..."

At that point, I decided to help her out and shouted, "BATMAN!"

[twranger]

I went on a date with a girl with a stutter.

The waiter asked what she would like to order.

She said, "N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n..."

At that point, I decided to help her out and shouted, "BATMAN!"

Very good Matt...but your new sig is even funnier..superb!!

[QPRDave]

I went on a date with a girl with a stutter.

The waiter asked what she would like to order.

She said, "N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n..."

At that point, I decided to help her out and shouted, "BATMAN!"

[Ginger Ninja]

I went on a date with a girl with a stutter.

The waiter asked what she would like to order.

She said, "N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n..."

At that point, I decided to help her out and shouted, "BATMAN!"

Superb

[QPRDave]

I took a box of tissues and a pot of lube up to the checkout. The lady behind the till just smirked.

"It's not what you're thinking!" I protested.

"Yeah, right," she laughed. "I suppose you're going to tell me it's for a hobby or something."

"See. I told you," I replied. "It's actually for w*nking."

[superhoop67]

Ken Barlow said they got it wrong .All he did was take a 13yr old Escort to Kevin Webster's garage for a touch up