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Whats dry, white and fluffy?
Whitney Houstons towel.
Whitney Houstons towel.
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Joke Thread
Having just received a belter via PM from QPRDave, decided start up another Joke thread in this section (I know there was one going a while back).
I took a girl back to my house for sex last night.
After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.
"You'll have to be really quiet," I whispered, "My mum & dad are asleep."
"I can see that," she said, "Have you not got your own bed?"You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity.Comment
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Originally posted by MattyRangers View Post
The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven. Which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "... Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" "What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs". The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying "O God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."Comment
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What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
The dishes if she knows what's good for her!
What do 54,000 abused women every year have in common?
They don't f***ing listen!Comment
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying ba$tard! You've been playing golf!"You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity.Comment
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A mate of mine is into flagellation, necrophilia and bestiality....Is he flogging a dead horse?
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So, this bloke with no arms walks into a pub.
Asking the barman where the gents are, he's pointed towards a door at the back of the pub.
After the bloke hasn't reappeared 15 mins later, the barman, being a thoughtful chap, asks one of the regulars to go and see if the armless chappie is ok.
Regular goes into the gents and sees armless chappie just standing in front of the urinals, looking a tad uncomfortable. 'You alright mate?' he asks. 'Oh ****, I really didn't want to ask' said armless bloke, 'but I lost my arms today, and I'm just gonna **** meself if i can't get me old chap out and take a leak. Is there any chance....'.
Oh jeez, thinks regular bloke, poor b*stard, but he's not happy at the thought of handling the armless blokes tackle. 'Please, I'd do the same for you', pleads armless bloke. So regular guy takes a deep breath, thinks of the good karma this is bound to net him, and undoes the armless blokes flies to reveal this grotesque, warty, pus covered, sore infested ****. 'Gah!' he gags, but he hides his disgust. Just. And aims the fella into the urinals.
After helping him take a leak and zipping him back up, the regular bloke can't contain his curiousity any more, and says to the armless bloke, 'sorry mate, but I've got to ask, what the ****** is wrong with your old chap, its f**king disgusting?!'. 'I've got no idea whats wrong with it', replies the armless bloke, 'but', popping his arms back out from under his jumper, says 'I ain't touching the f**king thing!'.Comment
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Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.
"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity.Comment
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What do you call a fat woman with a yeast infection?
A whopper with cheese!!!Comment
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What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?Originally posted by QPRDave View Post
A quarter pounder with cheese!!!You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity.Comment
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Touche!!!Comment
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This isn't a joke (that hasn't stopped Dave and Matty tbf - ba-dum-tish), but it did make me laugh a lot.
I never thought I'd laugh at John Bishop.....Comment
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Essex Hurricane Appeal
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) -- off the frigging clock on the Katrina hurricane measuring scale -- hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon . One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**BREAKING NEWS**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"Comment
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One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.
Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
"Can I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line." replied the man.Comment
LoL
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