Joke Thread

[ant8383]

A bird goes in to hospital for a vagina reduction, when she comes round she finds 3 bunches of flowers. 1 from her husband saying he cant wait to slip one up her another from the doctor saying well done and the last bunch was from FRED from the burns unit thanking her for hes new ears!!!

[Quaz]

A Jewish woman says to her mother:

"I'm divorcing Ralphie, I have had enough, all he ever wants is anal sex and my arseh0le is now the size of a 50p piece when it used to be the size of a 5p ".

Mother says" Rhoda you are married to a multi-millionaire, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari,and a Rolls Royce, you get a

£8000 a week allowance,and a premium gold credit card.

And you take 6 holidays a year and you want to throw all that away for 45p ?"

[Quaz]

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a #######.'

[brightonr]

My mum asked for a surprise for Mothers Day.

Can't wait to see the look on her face when we pull up at the old peoples home.

[casuallyqpr]

how do you turn a duck into a soul singer????







put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

[Connell10]

bloody hell a few of these are even better than my plumbing joke! keep em coming i might use some of these in my stand up routine!

[brightonr]

how do you turn a duck into a soul singer????







put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

Superb.


My wife bought me a tub of ice cream today and asked if I wanted some.

"How hard is it ?" I asked.

She cheekily replied: "As hard as your c**k gets when you're thinking of me naked".

"Go on then" I said, "pour me a glass".

[casuallyqpr]

this is the one i pull out every time ive had 10 pints....


An Englishman Scotsman and Irishman get in a cab, the driver turns around and says

"sorry lads, im muslim. cant take a joke"

[brightonr]

When I was at school, my teacher said to me: "Simon, can you pronounce your name backwards?"

"No miss", I said.




I asked Hugh Grant if the hooker he sha**ed was any good.

He said, "She was Divine"

[vanhoop]

a black bloke goes for a job at sea,the captain sez have you any experience away at sea?no, the black fella sez but im honest!!
the captain takes him on and off they sail.
after 3 weeks at sea the black fella is busy mopping the decks,when a big wave crashes over the boughs and sweeps the black fella overboard,the 1st mate goes running to the captain.
you know the black fella we took on,the one who said he was honest?
well hes just f ucked off with your mop

[brightonr]

Two monkeys having a bath.

One says: "Ooh-ooh-ah-ah-ahh"

The other replies: "Put some cold in then"

[casuallyqpr]

Last week,a Pakistani taxi driver drove his car into a crowd of 60 people outside a Mosque in Bradford, killing himself and 47 other Muslims. Carlsberg don't do dodgy accelerator pedals ..............




















Thank **** toyota do

[vanhoop]

spurs have just announced plans to build a 90,000 seater stadium to rival that of barcelona.
it will be called the jew camp

[FreshOne]

Man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide...

Bird says **** off, you wont bring it back

[Bigdave]

a black bloke goes for a job at sea,the captain sez have you any experience away at sea?no, the black fella sez but im honest!!
the captain takes him on and off they sail.
after 3 weeks at sea the black fella is busy mopping the decks,when a big wave crashes over the boughs and sweeps the black fella overboard,the 1st mate goes running to the captain.
you know the black fella we took on,the one who said he was honest?
well hes just f ucked off with your mop

Had this one sent to me yesterday!