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A quick check on the "FFS calendar" in W12 tells us that, to coin a phrase "it's only the 3rd week in June" yet club Dictators Flabio Brie-and-glory and Bernie Ecclescake have been forced to issue a statement confirming that their position has not changed. This coming in the wake of un-founded allegations a social networking site; popular with those who have no social life or personality; known as Twitter. The allegations centre around proposed ownership changes, transfer targets and, bizzarely have absolutely nothing to do with Ryan Giggs' extra-matrimonial activities.
"It's total rubbish", said Bernie Ecclescake, "we are not, I repeat NOT signing any players of premiership calibre. My partner Tango has already made it clear we are retaining our best players and already we've proved we don't lie by ensuring our top men like Heidar Helgusson, Radek Cerny and Leon Clarke are tied down to improved extended contracts; well Leon's is in the pipeline anyway".
On questioning the diminuitive multi-Billionaire further it transpired that whispers of wholesale ownership changes at the club have caused him further wrankles. "I don't know where you lot get this rubbish from! For something to be bought whoever has it needs to want to sell it; all this about The Lidl family taking over is nonsense. They did make an insultingly low offer of £75M for our share of the club but don't they realise we bought the place for 3 shillings and have put at least £11M in since then? I am totally prepared to buy their 33% back for £3.98 and a tray of stale canapes but that's it, not a penny more".
We then asked Mr Ecclescake about his long term vision for QPR who play at Loftus Road in London's fashionable W12 area; "Flats", was Bernie's response, "kin loads of flats mate. We cannot fail to make plenty of money that way, crikey we've been creaming interest off of the club for ages just by re-structuring the ludicrous debt they'd run up before. For now though we'll have a laugh slapping some backs in Boardroom's up and down the country and for me and Brie-and-glory it's going to be like one long F1 season but without the noisy fast cars"
And what about QPR preserving their place in The Premiership after 15 long years away? "Well, what about it?" responded Ecclescake. He then proceeded to call his cohort Flabio on his HD 3D mobile TV who raged at us from his Italian Riveria bolthole. "You tella dem twenty pound fools, you tell dem dis --- eye-ah, noah, what-ah, eye-ahma, doing-ah! This Warnock he know nuffink! I gotta dis friend of mine, noah all best players, very cheap and big time Seria C players. My friend he can sign players and wait on your tables - capiche?" Despite being somewhat confused and bemused we nodded our agreement as Flabio continued. "Who da fark dis Danny Graham? He dodgy man who manage da Gunners eh? There's noah room for anymore noses in our trough my friend! Noah wayer! Rowan Grapevine much better player anyways! You tell him this Cash eh?"
A wry grin formed under Ecclescakes John Lennon glasses as he slunk back into his unbelievably comfortable leather padded armchair in C-Club where our interview was conducted.
We were then asked by a club insider if we'd like to "join the PR part of QPR to use our influence in the media to get positive vibes out". We probed further as to what this would entail and were informed this would mean spinning as much BS as possible to "keep the heat off and make it look like all's good in da hood". We were offered a free seat in the commentary positions which we declined and were quickly ushered out by the club insider who ranted incoherent stuff about "the sky being blue", "once playing for Napoli" and "Ali was always worth at least £5 million".
In a call to supposed interested buyer Mr A.Meat Lidl our reporters were informed that Mr.Lidl was not available for any further comment "especially if your name is Mr.Jones" and that he was currently considering contacting Gerry Cottles Circus to explore further investment prospects.
So all QPR fans can rest easy in the knowldege that it really is "Business as usual" in W12 and instead they can focus on robbing their Nan as they sleep to finance those shiney new Premiership season tickets or, should it be a walk up ticket they are after, re-establish those links with Columbian drug cartels.
FFS.... it'll soon be July
(The producers would like to point out that any similarity between any real charecters or events is purely coincidental although surely this is impossible and you couldn't make this shizen up)
"It's total rubbish", said Bernie Ecclescake, "we are not, I repeat NOT signing any players of premiership calibre. My partner Tango has already made it clear we are retaining our best players and already we've proved we don't lie by ensuring our top men like Heidar Helgusson, Radek Cerny and Leon Clarke are tied down to improved extended contracts; well Leon's is in the pipeline anyway".
On questioning the diminuitive multi-Billionaire further it transpired that whispers of wholesale ownership changes at the club have caused him further wrankles. "I don't know where you lot get this rubbish from! For something to be bought whoever has it needs to want to sell it; all this about The Lidl family taking over is nonsense. They did make an insultingly low offer of £75M for our share of the club but don't they realise we bought the place for 3 shillings and have put at least £11M in since then? I am totally prepared to buy their 33% back for £3.98 and a tray of stale canapes but that's it, not a penny more".
We then asked Mr Ecclescake about his long term vision for QPR who play at Loftus Road in London's fashionable W12 area; "Flats", was Bernie's response, "kin loads of flats mate. We cannot fail to make plenty of money that way, crikey we've been creaming interest off of the club for ages just by re-structuring the ludicrous debt they'd run up before. For now though we'll have a laugh slapping some backs in Boardroom's up and down the country and for me and Brie-and-glory it's going to be like one long F1 season but without the noisy fast cars"
And what about QPR preserving their place in The Premiership after 15 long years away? "Well, what about it?" responded Ecclescake. He then proceeded to call his cohort Flabio on his HD 3D mobile TV who raged at us from his Italian Riveria bolthole. "You tella dem twenty pound fools, you tell dem dis --- eye-ah, noah, what-ah, eye-ahma, doing-ah! This Warnock he know nuffink! I gotta dis friend of mine, noah all best players, very cheap and big time Seria C players. My friend he can sign players and wait on your tables - capiche?" Despite being somewhat confused and bemused we nodded our agreement as Flabio continued. "Who da fark dis Danny Graham? He dodgy man who manage da Gunners eh? There's noah room for anymore noses in our trough my friend! Noah wayer! Rowan Grapevine much better player anyways! You tell him this Cash eh?"
A wry grin formed under Ecclescakes John Lennon glasses as he slunk back into his unbelievably comfortable leather padded armchair in C-Club where our interview was conducted.
We were then asked by a club insider if we'd like to "join the PR part of QPR to use our influence in the media to get positive vibes out". We probed further as to what this would entail and were informed this would mean spinning as much BS as possible to "keep the heat off and make it look like all's good in da hood". We were offered a free seat in the commentary positions which we declined and were quickly ushered out by the club insider who ranted incoherent stuff about "the sky being blue", "once playing for Napoli" and "Ali was always worth at least £5 million".
In a call to supposed interested buyer Mr A.Meat Lidl our reporters were informed that Mr.Lidl was not available for any further comment "especially if your name is Mr.Jones" and that he was currently considering contacting Gerry Cottles Circus to explore further investment prospects.
So all QPR fans can rest easy in the knowldege that it really is "Business as usual" in W12 and instead they can focus on robbing their Nan as they sleep to finance those shiney new Premiership season tickets or, should it be a walk up ticket they are after, re-establish those links with Columbian drug cartels.
FFS.... it'll soon be July
(The producers would like to point out that any similarity between any real charecters or events is purely coincidental although surely this is impossible and you couldn't make this shizen up)
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