Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has sacked his new manager Andre Villa-Boas for being too old. The 33 year had been in the job 12 hours before he got his marching orders.

The ex-Porto schoolboy, who has never kicked a ball himself, had developed a winning mentality by managing a 'Dream Team' on his Game Boy Console. His Cool Dude XI beat Barcelona 69-0 to win the Virtual Champions League Cup last season.

But after his first day at Stamford Bridge he had won nothing.

Chelsea Pensioner Ray Wilkins backed the Russian Billionaire's decision: "Roman felt he had given the lad ample time to prove himself".

A spokeschild for Abramovich has told reporters: "Roman will not be appointing any more coffin dodgers. His scouts have identified a foetus in a small village near Kiev. He has purchased the foetus and it will become the next Chelsea manager when it is eventually born".

Ageing Jose Mourinho, who was sacked because his hair started to go grey, has poured scorn on Abramovich's logic: "Roman is a control freak who wants to buy the players and pick the team. He feels more in charge if his manager is still wearing nappies".

The next Chelsea manager, when it is born, is expected to bring it's own placenta in as fitness coach. Abramovich's advisers have told the press it will be given 15 minutes to win the Premiership.